Disclaimer: I’m not going to lie – this is going to be a drunken post because I am going through a lot right at this moment and a bottle of wine is the only thing I have to keep me (somewhat) sane. If you care not to read any further of such sorrow, then I’d suggest you not click the “Continue Reading” tab.
Otherwise, let’s continue.
Today is officially one month since my dad’s passing, and I couldn’t be any more depressed than I already am. All day at work, I was feeling a bit iffy about the day and couldn’t tell why, but when I realized, it made me feel even worse. Luckily I have today off because, otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to function properly.
Before this month began, I have been going through a lot just trying to cope with a little thing called “closure”. Such as closing all my dad’s accounts, cleaning out the house, and letting everyone know of his service date – which is Dec. 31st. Only three weeks away.
My Aunt and Uncle (his sister and brother) established the plan for all of it and had let me know what was going on. My job of the idea is the challenge of making my Grandmother’s pumpkin pie recipe as bite size pieces and to write my dad’s eulogy, which is the hardest thing I have to do. I just hate the idea of writing something so heartfelt, but in the back of my mind tells me that “yeah, this really happened.” Mean, I know exactly what to say, but I’ve honestly been putting it off because it’s just too hard to write it. Like, no one ever expects to write these kinds of things… until that moment comes. I just wonder why it had to be me all of a sudden..
I was planning on visiting the house later today to clean out some things, but I don’t know. I’ve been there a couple times since my dad’s passing and it just hurts. I can’t do it alone and I don’t want to do it alone, but it feels like I can’t put that kind of thing on friends. To me, it’s not fair to them and I don’t want them to feel how I’m feeling. It’s my struggle, not theirs.
Some week ago, I had my dad cremated, as it was his wishes after having a brief conversation we had years ago. He’s currently sitting at my apartment on Kyle’s record player until I can find a better place for him. I also have some of his ashes in a necklace I found online. It’s an urn pendant where you can store some of your loved one’s ashes into it. He’s always with me, no matter where I go.
The story of my dad’s wishes goes even further than that, as he said he wants me to plan a date to gather close family and friends to have a gathering, like the service we’re about to have, but his idea is to have these close set of people to have their fill of Jack Daniels’ Single Barrel since this was always my dad’s drink of choice hands down. When the bottle gets close to empty, he wants his ashes to be poured into the bottle, symbolizing that he has his “last shot”. I’m totally going to do that 100% since it’s his wishes, but I feel like I have to discreetly do that away from most family since most of them are “old fashioned”. I just have to come up with the right moment to do so.
After since September of not talking, my mom finally called me about a week ago and I was able to tell her everything that had happened. Yes, she had no idea of the situation until a fucking week ago. Why, you ask? Because she is the most hardest person to keep in contact with. If you knew my mom, you’d understand. She says she’s going to fly over here for his service, but we’ll see. She’s been saying that she’d fly over just to see me every year. I’m still waiting since six years ago. Mean, I don’t want to sound so bitchy about it, but my mom and I, in my perspective, haven’t been close for some years now, and I just rather not get my hopes up about her again.
I’m sorry, I’m just ranting on and on here.
I also told you this was going to be a drunken post, so….
I don’t know, there’s a lot going through my mind. If there’s any advice I can give to you all, it would be to not let your parents go so easily. Both of my parents were my best friends at some time, but one has moved on and I was given no choice but to say goodbye to the other. I would never wish this feeling I’m going through on someone else. Honestly, it’s the worst pain I’ve ever had to deal with.
… and I’m sorry you had to read this horrible piece of emotion right now.
There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about you. You are in mine and everyone’s thoughts and forever in our hearts. Keep shinning down on us as the Guardian Angel you’ve always been. Your wisdom and love will forever be with us all.
I will be back. Don’t you forget ❤